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I think we’ve all seen – or fought – one of these pathetic battles in a first period Math class, with someone saying something along the lines of “I’m running off five hours of sleep”, with choruses of one-uppers bragging they only blinked out an hour or two.

It’s akin to the “all I’ve eaten today is coffee” remarks heard from the most annoying girl you know, desperate for someone to fall at her knees and beg her to take better care of herself, lest she die of starvation.

It annoys me hearing this stuff. Bragging about how poorly you’re doing seems alien to me – isn’t the goal in life to convince everyone you’re doing great, no matter the truth at hand?

As awkward and forced it feels as everyone reminds them to eat something, or sleep more, we have to do it, since it’s one of the rules of socialisation to seem compassionate and caring. But I’m not sure it really does them any good.

The brag of “two hours of sleep” is proof that, despite your circumstances in life, and how much reason you have to simply sink to the ground in defeat, you’re still here today to differentiate the algebraic equation, or whatever nerds do.

I think this pressure to be as unwell as possible exists in a lot of different ways today. Kind of like depressed people. It’s a battle of, “who’s the saddest”, with the winner being whoever’s worse – but still alive.

These competitions suck for everyone involved. Suddenly suffering is only suffering if it is the worst ever experienced.

My mother often goes on “back in my day” rants, most of which can be condensed into a few transphobic statements to be discarded – but one topic I think she’s right on is how the internet has ruined so many kids’ self esteems by taking away the one thing they’re good at.

Suddenly being the best beatboxer in your neighbourhood is no longer an achievement, since a better one is just a Google search away. Like that phrase – “no matter how good you are, there’s a twelve year old doing it better than you”.

So when we brag about how poorly we take care of ourselves, it turns into a competition to be the worst, or else we’ve failed. So how about, next time we think about voicing our lack of sleep – we just take a nap instead?

Anyway, all this to say:

Only nerds go to bed on time. Cool kids stay up till 6am watching in-depth video essays about World War II strategies and painting their nails pink. The early bird may get the worm, but at least we look skinnier when we fly.